Recap of the Big Game

The last seconds of the game. A hushed audience. Suddenly, a roar filled the arena. The team won! This local sports team is moving on to the state level, and everyone could not be less excited. “We really had a good season this year. Good players, good teamwork, but the other team just outplayed us…and I’m not saying I did anything, but I want my money back from the refs,” says the coach of the losing team. As put by the modest star player, “I don’t know how we won. I was just trying to make sure that the cheerleaders could see me flex a little, but I suppose that’s what it takes to play a game like us.” The game was very close, with the team almost unable to score in the first quarter, but later managing to hold possession. “They had trouble getting the ball for a while before I realized that they’d had the ball the entire time—I guess that’s what’s called a sports ‘miracle’,” reveals one shocked spectator. Unfortunately, the crowd erupted into pandemonium during the first five minutes of the game when people realized both teams had the same color scheme. Fans had difficulty differentiating between their players and those from opposite teams, and distinguishing between friendly and opposing audience members. A brawl almost broke out when audience members began arguing about which team had better colors. “I told him, our color is better than yours. He kept repeating, ‘It’s the same color.’ I got really mad, needed my homies to hold me back,” a participant discloses. While this team has managed to clinch a spot in the state championships, it remains to be seen whether or not it can marshal its efforts to advance. Until then, local fans can only pray the color scheme is changed for next year.

– Harsh Wadhwa

Editor’s Note: Our sports crew unintentionally attended the wrong game for the wrong sport. An honest mistake. Regrettably, they are currently being held for questioning in Sochi, Russia on how they entered the country. Go team!

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Area High School Students Eager to Read Outside of Class

Students in a local high school cannot wait to stop studying for final exams and begin reading outside of class through a new program that affords them the pleasure of reading about school in bathrooms stalls, on campus walls, and even at home.

“It’s really, truly, transformative,” says high school student Jim, “They’re called school newspapers. I get to read updates about my school at home. It’s the first thing I want to do when I leave school. Read about more school.” High school students across town have been lining up to receive copies of the miraculous school papers, eager to read shout-outs about the “food” at the school lunch line or learn about the clothing their classmates wear.

“I, like, really love it,” says student Alicia, “It’s really informative. I mean, like, if I’m absent one day in April, I can just catch up on what I missed when the paper comes out four weeks later by reading an article about the origins of Easter.” Because students don’t get to talk to one another during brunch (or lunch, or during passing period, or after school, or during class, or outside of school) the articles finally provide students with an opportunity to hear one another’s opinions.

Straight from the keyboards of teenagers come compelling tales of the histories of national holidays, interviews of the most sleep-inducing teachers on campus, and, most importantly, advice on classroom fashion. Mike says that he reads the paper for the three-letter word crossword puzzles: “Sometimes, when I’m not around, my two-year-old brother will solve the crosswords, so I’ve got to watch where I put my copies.” For safekeeping, public copies can only be found inside campus bathroom stalls or on the floors of hallways. But some are worried there won’t be enough for everyone.

“I’m worried there won’t be enough for everyone,” says John, “So I cancelled plans to hang out with friends so I could wait in line for a copy.” Difficult as it is for community members to believe, some are resorting to even more extreme measures in order to obtain copies.

“I cancelled my SAT class so I could be first in line for a new copy,” says freshman Donald, “Worth. Every. Penny.” Teachers are also voicing their satisfaction with the newspaper, claiming that it helps their students grasp complicated concepts.

“My students use Sparknotes for everything. They use Sparknotes for Sparknotes. But with compelling articles like these, they’re always at the edge of their [toilet] seats, eager to learn more about pressing global issues like school volunteer clubs,” remarks an area high school English teacher, “Shakespeare should be a breeze for them now.”

Teacher Won’t Give Shaan Somani Grade He Deserves

It was a Tuesday afternoon when Shaan Somani, hanging out on his phone in the middle of class, opened his Schoolloop account to see what all Dougherty Valley students dread most: a minus sign beside his beloved A.

“I just don’t understand,” said Shaan, a hardworking, Indian-American student. “This has just never happened to me before.” The grade, which came as a large shock, came from an unnamed teacher in an unnamed class. This reporter, however, is willing to release information given off the record that the teacher’s name means “quickly” in a foreign language that is not Spanish, French, or Swahili.

Though Shaan has theories behind his poor grade, most of them conclude with a negative sentiment about the unnamed teacher.  “I mean, I don’t know what else he expects of me. I put in the minimal amount of effort appropriate for a Senior. I show up for class at least half of the time. I even make sure to correct him on his mistakes in front of everybody so that he can learn to become a better teacher. Is he mad because I didn’t buy him a Christmas present? I’ve always assumed he was Jewish.”

When the unnamed teacher was asked to comment on the lawsuit, he claimed he was “too busy to talk at the moment” since he had to “go to the bathroom”. Likely excuse.

Meanwhile, Shaan has decided to file a lawsuit against the teacher for being the sole reason behind why he got rejected from Stanford.  “I want him to feel the same type of pain I’ve felt,” Shaan explains. “I spent $65 as an application fee to Stanford. I expect him to pay at least… 3 times that as compensation for my emotional trauma.” When informed that Stanford Early Action did not receive first semester Senior grades, Shaan assured this reporter that he would still pursue a personal vendetta against the teacher.

Some individuals remained skeptical on the veracity behind Shaan’s claims. For instance, though Shaan claims to be Indian-American, he appeared rather confused when asked what tribe he belongs to. Others have questioned the level of objectivism present in an article written by the afflicted party. Those people are idiots and not to be trusted.

In the meantime, Shaan has decided to not just give up on the class, but rather all of high school.  “Oh no, I’m not dropping out. Don’t be ridiculous. I’m just going to stop attending school. After all, I’m going to be a second semester Senior! What are they going to do, withhold my diploma?”

Author’s note: Since the time of this interview, Shaan has been held back a year due to persistent truancy. Shaan has opted to retake the class in which he received an A-, deciding that next year he will give the teacher a menorah in order to “start off on the right foot”.

– Shaan Somani

Letter to the Editor: January 22, 2014

Petition to the Lettuce Editor in Chief:

 It has come to my attention that you are using Times New Roman as your font in your newspaper. A fine choice, of course, as long as your intention is to RUIN your paper before it even reaches circulation. Honestly, you’d think that someone who was named “Editor in Chief” of a paper would know how to, I don’t know, EDIT A PAPER. It’s as if you need everything spelled out to you: C-H-A-N-G-E your font or you will soon be replaced by someone more capable and understanding. Someone who has true vision and knows what good aesthetics are. Someone who writes using the most engaging and elaborate font: Comic Sans. Someone much like myself.

Watch your back,

S.H. (12th grade)