No Name Calling Week is a Huge Success

Schools across the nation participated in a movement last week known as “No Name Calling Week” in an effort to increase awareness that “words matter”. Some area high school students, however, found difficulty in implementing the change.

“I didn’t really understand,” said high school junior Justin. “I mean, I get that bullying is bad and all. But how did we solve anything by not calling people by their names?”

Over 100 teachers and 3000 area high school students signed the pledge to uphold a one-week ban on first names, some going as far as to ban surnames and nicknames too.

“Initially, it made it much more difficult to teach,” explained geometry teacher Ms. Johnson. “Every time a student tried to ask a question, I couldn’t give my typical response of ‘Leave me alone, Ranjit.’ But I eventually managed to find a way around the system.”

“I began characterizing students based on how they looked,” Ms. Johnson described. “For instance, one of my students, Lance, was wearing a yellow shirt. So when he started talking in the middle of class, I told him ‘Shut up, Tour de France.’”

As the week progressed, even the students began to adopt this method. Some have made lasting changes to their vernacular.

Sophomore Ryan claims, “This whole ‘No Name Calling’ thing has been great. Now, whenever I meet a new person, I don’t have to waste my time trying to memorize their name or learn stuff about them. Instead, I just call everyone “Doofus” or “Moron.” It’s made my life so much easier! I’ve even started to forget the names of my closest friends!”

But even the most successful program will have its critics.

“My life last week was terrible,” claimed senior Rajesh. “All week, people kept on calling me ‘Stanford kid’ or ‘2400’. I didn’t even get a 2400! And I got accepted into Early Action Harvard, not Stanford!”

With No Name Calling Week such a hit, there are rumored district-wide talks to implement a permanent No Name Calling Week, to be known as No Name Calling Lifetime. The idea of No Name Calling Lifetime has been met with widespread support from both teachers and students alike. It seems that within the near future, students will no longer have to bother with names at all! Instead, students will be stamped with a number on their forehead for easier retention. But until its implementation, we can only hope for the day in which names are solely remnants of the ancient past.

– “19-8-1-1-14”

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Area High School Students Eager to Read Outside of Class

Students in a local high school cannot wait to stop studying for final exams and begin reading outside of class through a new program that affords them the pleasure of reading about school in bathrooms stalls, on campus walls, and even at home.

“It’s really, truly, transformative,” says high school student Jim, “They’re called school newspapers. I get to read updates about my school at home. It’s the first thing I want to do when I leave school. Read about more school.” High school students across town have been lining up to receive copies of the miraculous school papers, eager to read shout-outs about the “food” at the school lunch line or learn about the clothing their classmates wear.

“I, like, really love it,” says student Alicia, “It’s really informative. I mean, like, if I’m absent one day in April, I can just catch up on what I missed when the paper comes out four weeks later by reading an article about the origins of Easter.” Because students don’t get to talk to one another during brunch (or lunch, or during passing period, or after school, or during class, or outside of school) the articles finally provide students with an opportunity to hear one another’s opinions.

Straight from the keyboards of teenagers come compelling tales of the histories of national holidays, interviews of the most sleep-inducing teachers on campus, and, most importantly, advice on classroom fashion. Mike says that he reads the paper for the three-letter word crossword puzzles: “Sometimes, when I’m not around, my two-year-old brother will solve the crosswords, so I’ve got to watch where I put my copies.” For safekeeping, public copies can only be found inside campus bathroom stalls or on the floors of hallways. But some are worried there won’t be enough for everyone.

“I’m worried there won’t be enough for everyone,” says John, “So I cancelled plans to hang out with friends so I could wait in line for a copy.” Difficult as it is for community members to believe, some are resorting to even more extreme measures in order to obtain copies.

“I cancelled my SAT class so I could be first in line for a new copy,” says freshman Donald, “Worth. Every. Penny.” Teachers are also voicing their satisfaction with the newspaper, claiming that it helps their students grasp complicated concepts.

“My students use Sparknotes for everything. They use Sparknotes for Sparknotes. But with compelling articles like these, they’re always at the edge of their [toilet] seats, eager to learn more about pressing global issues like school volunteer clubs,” remarks an area high school English teacher, “Shakespeare should be a breeze for them now.”