Non-Traditional Dance Canceled Due to Low Ticket Sales

A local school has recently canceled one of its most popular dances, prompting much disappointment and outrage. The dance has been a tradition at the school for years, and this is the first time such a calamity has occurred.

When asked why such an important event was revoked, Principal Yungmuni simply replied, “Who cares? Just two more weeks, and I’m getting promoted to a district job. Two more weeks, and I’m out of this dump. I don’t give a cow’s hoof whether we have a silly dance or not. And in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t even matter. We’re just insignificant specks of dust, floating in an infinite abyss and trying to assign value to our meaningless existence.” Vice Principal Odfücher was more helpful and less nihilistic. “We had to cancel the dance because there simply weren’t enough tickets sold. I’m not sure what happened, but next year we’ll hopefully be back on track.”

For those of you unacquainted with the dance and its customs, it’s not your usual dance. Normally, male students will ask female students, with a mean success rate of 21.4%. But every year, there is one dance where the teachers ask the students, with a successful ask rate of 0.08%. How can a dance even happen if the success rate is so low, one may wonder if one is not very bright. It’s obvious – just ask more people.

Of course, the people most affected by the event are the would-be participants – the teachers. When asked how he felt, 39-year-old physics teacher Mr. Wootang stated, “I’m devastated. I was planning to ask that girl Jennifer in my 1st period class. She’s a real cutie. She’s dated seniors before, so I know she’s into older men. But I got too scared of rejection, and I didn’t ask. Teachers have feelings too, you know. I heard other teachers were also too scared to ask. I guess that’s why ticket sales were so low this year.”

When asked for her opinion, senior Valerie seemed just as despondent. “I really really really wanted my English teacher to ask me. He is soooo hot. My parents say I’m crazy, but I believe age is just a number. Besides, he’s twenty years older than me, and I have twenty fingers and toes. I think we’re meant to be.” Sophomore Jimmy was also disappointed, saying, “I was certain my French teacher was going to ask me. She dropped all the hints and made all the signs, and I was totally ready to say yes. I even showered every day for a week straight, but she never asked.”

Chemistry teacher Ms. Ovo summed up the general sentiment about the event. “Everyone’s heartbroken. I’m hoping the school can get it together next year, because I want my love life back.”

Update: Once Principal Yungmuni moved to the district job, he managed to have the dance canceled indefinitely. Teacher strikes and riots have been reported as a result.

Mr. Wootang quit his job and started working at an elementary school, but was arrested for reasons unknown.

– Skyler Ho, with help from Lettuce staff

Valentine’s Day: Prince Charming

A student by the name of Eric has been charged for what appears to be a sexual assault, but the facts, as always, are not as straightforward as the court would like. Eric recalls that he had been down in the dumps after being rejected a record 7 times by the same girl in a single half hour marathon last Friday. Eric, however, understood that she really did want to go out with him—he just hadn’t tried hard enough yet. “7 was really just low-balling it, 8th time’s the charm!” said an optimistic Eric in a blog post following the setback. Knowing that her conscious mind was clouding her inner desires, Eric waited outside her home until she fell asleep. Eric then infiltrated the premises and kissed her in her sleep. Talk about bravery! “I don’t know why she slapped me or called the cops—I was just doing what she wanted me to do,” recalls Eric, “I was her Prince Charming, she was my Sleeping Beauty. It was magical, just like Disney told me it would be!” Eric now faces charges of sexual assault but remains confident that his “Disney Defense” will prevail. “They’d be fools not to see that I was just following protocol,” says Eric, brimming with accomplishment. “All my life my mom kept telling me that I would be some lucky girl’s Prince Charming. I don’t understand where I went wrong. I fondled a sleeping woman and later coerced her into marrying me. That’s how the story goes, right?” Right on, Eric, right on.

In a similar story, Kevin, a senior in high school, found himself in a sticky situation when he came across a girl with selective mutism (a condition in which a person is unable to speak in certain social situations). After holding a conversation for an outstanding two and a half minutes, Kevin realized that he really did like quiet girls. So in typical Disney fashion, he went right in and planted one right on her lips. That’s how it’s done! “Quiet girls remind me of The Little Mermaid,” remarked Kevin, “I figured maybe she’d made a deal with a devil to get me to fall in love with her. I could definitely dig it.” Kevin, unlike Eric, got away without being slapped; instead, he was shot point blank with a taser, leaving a slight burn on his chest. “I guess that’s the price of love, a little give and take, though I wish she didn’t have to take my chest hair,” sighed Kevin as he reminisced from his cell.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, the rest of the single men in America can only be envious of Eric and Kevin, who will never be lonely throughout their next six months at the Pleasant Valley Men’s Correctional Center. Kudos to them, and hopefully the search for love bodes well for the rest of us too. Oh, and ladies, feel free to hit up if you want your own Prince Charming this Valentine’s Day.

– The Lettuce’s own “Prince Charming,” Skyler Ho

Edit: Author Skyler Ho has also been sent to join students Eric and Kevin after Mr. Ho was found stalking and rampaging the city searching for someone with a shoe size “3.”

Letter to the Editor: January 22, 2014

Petition to the Lettuce Editor in Chief:

 It has come to my attention that you are using Times New Roman as your font in your newspaper. A fine choice, of course, as long as your intention is to RUIN your paper before it even reaches circulation. Honestly, you’d think that someone who was named “Editor in Chief” of a paper would know how to, I don’t know, EDIT A PAPER. It’s as if you need everything spelled out to you: C-H-A-N-G-E your font or you will soon be replaced by someone more capable and understanding. Someone who has true vision and knows what good aesthetics are. Someone who writes using the most engaging and elaborate font: Comic Sans. Someone much like myself.

Watch your back,

S.H. (12th grade)