Boy Confesses to Murder; Authorities Don’t Believe Him

A local third grader named Richard Sukher has recently admitted to murdering his younger brother, older sister, two parents, and cat, Snookers.

“That’s right, I did it. Everybody was getting all up in my business during nap time, so I grabbed my pair of safety scissors and…well, you know the rest,” explained Richard as he gestured to the dead bodies strewn across his bedroom floor.

Richard could likely spend the rest of his life in prison if the police choose to press charges. The only problem is, nobody believes Richard’s outlandish claims.

“I mean, what does he expect? I’m not an idiot,” described Richard’s best friend, Alec Greenberg. “Richard comes running into school screaming, ‘I did it! I killed them!’ And I’m just like ‘Please buddy, you’re not fooling anybody. We all know it’s April Fools Day. Nobody’s falling for your tricks.’”

“I couldn’t believe my rotten luck. Of all the days I chose to kill my family, it just had to have been April 1?!?” Richard complained. “I tried everything I could to convince people that I was guilty. I showed them the murder weapon, my bloody clothes, even my father’s left pinky toe. Everyone just kept laughing at me and said, ‘Haha yeah right. We’re not that gullible, Dick.’”

After hours of trying to convince his classmates and teachers, Richard eventually realized that his attempts to go to jail were futile.

“I’m just really bummed. I heard that juvie was pretty awesome,” Richard admitted. “Apparently you get like three meals a day and sometimes they even let you watch TV. In my house, our only form of entertainment was watching Snookers lick himself. God, I hated that cat.”

With no other choice, Richard realized there was only one other way to ensure that he goes to juvie.

“I’m going to have to kill again, this time on a normal day of the year where people’s murderous inclinations are not brushed off as attempts at humor. I think my next victim is gonna be that jerk leprechaun in the cereal commercial. I’m tired of him hoarding all the Lucky Charms for himself.”

Editor’s note: On April 2, Richard was arrested for attempted murder of a ginger midget. Richard was promptly released after the police determined that “the midget had it coming.”

Are Students Smarter Towards End of Day?

Teachers at an area high school are stumped as to why their students seem to become increasingly smarter as the day progresses.

“I’ve been working here for over fifteen years and I still don’t understand. No matter what class, whether it is math, science, or history, test scores always rise in later periods,” explained a local P.E. teacher.

This trend has been observed school-wide with no clear explanation.

“If it weren’t for the scores, I wouldn’t normally assume this to be the case,” claimed Mr. Smith, a world history teacher. “During my sixth period class, it sometimes appears as though the entire class is sleeping while I’m lecturing. In fact, now that I think about it, this seems to be the case for my first period class too. And my fourth period class. My voice gets sore from increasing the volume of my monotone.”

Many students, such as Juan Pablo Gutierrez, have come forward with possible reasons behind the better test scores.

“Throughout the day, I take my textbook and I whack myself across the head in order to absorb the information,” described sophomore Juan Pablo. “It’s called osmosis or something. We learned about it in AP Biology. Anyway, I think the people who take the test earlier in the day don’t have enough time to sufficiently whack themselves… in the head.”

Meanwhile, other students have tried to rationalize the score as a matter of diet.

“Every morning, I drink three Red Bulls and eat forty packs of Skittles for breakfast. But my sugar rush doesn’t even kick in until, like, third period. So until then, I’m running off of my reserve energy, like fats and carbohydrates. We learned about it in AP Biology,” explained Chad Dudemeister, a freshman who has never taken AP Biology.

Chad argues that, “If you want to test students when their brains are functioning at 100%, you gotta get them at the peak of their sugar high. I mean, my high usually only lasts about fifteen seconds, but when it hits, it hits hard. One time I think I saw Jesus.”

Finally, some students have proposed some truly implausible theories on the rise in intelligence throughout the day.

“Isn’t it possible that students aren’t getting smarter, but are in fact just getting the test answers from their friends?” asked junior Mary Mulcher. Mary was immediately expelled for questioning the moral integrity of the student body.

With no clear answer, many teachers have suggested shifting the school day between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am in order to capture students when they are at their brightest, claiming that a dumb student who becomes suddenly smart at 2 pm must be like Einstein at 10 pm. Either way, the mystery behind the rise in intelligence still remains unsolved.

– Shaan Somani

School Canceled for the Day; Teachers Too Afraid of the Dark

Monday morning opened at an area high school with cries from students expressing that they “couldn’t believe it was already Monday.” How rare it was to see students so eager to learn. Unfortunately, when students attempted to enter the math building, they were shocked to find that all of the lights had been shut off; even more surprisingly, the students discovered a group of math teachers huddled in a corner, trying to start a fire using two wooden rulers and old geometry homework.

“It was a very traumatic experience,” explained Mrs. Wuddlestein, an Algebra II teacher. “Some of us believed that the school had become haunted overnight. We were too afraid to open the door in case the spirits would be let out into the world. In fact, we were prepared to live the rest of our lives inside of the building. It was quite noble of us, really.”

With only minutes before the school day needed to officially begin, the administration attempted to remediate the situation by contacting the janitors, but they were all attending a National Janitorial Conference in New York City. As confusion escalated, Principal Knotsy decided to take matters into its own hands.

Knotsy, who has established a reputation for his innovation and intellect, decided to enter each classroom individually in order to prove that the building was not haunted. However, he found that while there were no visible ghosts on the school premises, the lights still would not turn on.

“I tried everything I could,” Knotsy claims. “I waved my hand in front of the lights, I started clapping, I unscrewed each light bulb and screwed it back in. I even smashed a couple to try to get a spark. Nothing seemed to be working.”

With hordes of students assuming the fetal position around the campus and three calculus teachers requiring new sets of pants, Knotsy had no choice but to cancel the remainder of the school day.

“It’s really saddening that these kids will have to waste such a beautiful day outside instead of reading from textbooks indoors,” Knotsy discusses disappointedly. “I’m sure that the students are all very upset too. I expect that many of them will spend the next six and a half hours studying, unable to determine what else to do with so many extra hours in their lives.”

It was only five minutes after Knotsy had given the official announcement that he realized he had forgotten to flip the light switches on.

– Shaan Somani

Teacher Won’t Give Shaan Somani Grade He Deserves

It was a Tuesday afternoon when Shaan Somani, hanging out on his phone in the middle of class, opened his Schoolloop account to see what all Dougherty Valley students dread most: a minus sign beside his beloved A.

“I just don’t understand,” said Shaan, a hardworking, Indian-American student. “This has just never happened to me before.” The grade, which came as a large shock, came from an unnamed teacher in an unnamed class. This reporter, however, is willing to release information given off the record that the teacher’s name means “quickly” in a foreign language that is not Spanish, French, or Swahili.

Though Shaan has theories behind his poor grade, most of them conclude with a negative sentiment about the unnamed teacher.  “I mean, I don’t know what else he expects of me. I put in the minimal amount of effort appropriate for a Senior. I show up for class at least half of the time. I even make sure to correct him on his mistakes in front of everybody so that he can learn to become a better teacher. Is he mad because I didn’t buy him a Christmas present? I’ve always assumed he was Jewish.”

When the unnamed teacher was asked to comment on the lawsuit, he claimed he was “too busy to talk at the moment” since he had to “go to the bathroom”. Likely excuse.

Meanwhile, Shaan has decided to file a lawsuit against the teacher for being the sole reason behind why he got rejected from Stanford.  “I want him to feel the same type of pain I’ve felt,” Shaan explains. “I spent $65 as an application fee to Stanford. I expect him to pay at least… 3 times that as compensation for my emotional trauma.” When informed that Stanford Early Action did not receive first semester Senior grades, Shaan assured this reporter that he would still pursue a personal vendetta against the teacher.

Some individuals remained skeptical on the veracity behind Shaan’s claims. For instance, though Shaan claims to be Indian-American, he appeared rather confused when asked what tribe he belongs to. Others have questioned the level of objectivism present in an article written by the afflicted party. Those people are idiots and not to be trusted.

In the meantime, Shaan has decided to not just give up on the class, but rather all of high school.  “Oh no, I’m not dropping out. Don’t be ridiculous. I’m just going to stop attending school. After all, I’m going to be a second semester Senior! What are they going to do, withhold my diploma?”

Author’s note: Since the time of this interview, Shaan has been held back a year due to persistent truancy. Shaan has opted to retake the class in which he received an A-, deciding that next year he will give the teacher a menorah in order to “start off on the right foot”.

– Shaan Somani