Top 5 Classes Everyone Will Be Taking Next Year

From work-study to powerwalking, the choices are overwhelming. Students are running frantically about the hallways trying to determine what classes to sign up for next year.

Here at the Lettuce, we want to make sure you’re making the right decisions, whatever that means. So here’s a list of the top GPA boosters to guarantee that Stanford admission.

1. AP ‘Murica: This class, intended for juniors who thoroughly enjoyed their experience taking AP England (also known as AP Plagiarism), covers all things ‘Murica from the 16 century onwards. You will need to know the difference between the American Revolution and World War II, and why we are still better than Britain. While the class is heavily writing based, there will be plenty of room for discussion – during lunch, students can discuss who will provide the notes for the rest of the class. The first student to enroll will receive a free gun license.

2. AP BS (Bright Stars): Intended as an Advanced Placement substitute to English 11, this class is for those students that love storytelling but do not know how to read or write. At some point you will learn the difference between calling your friend DeAndre “black” and “a black”, and why he continues to get offended. You will also get an opportunity to make up themes, characters, and even entire mythical allusions when writing essays for this class. You must have the time to read Sparknotes the night before each test. Just make sure you “integrate” the thesaurus “amply” – otherwise prepare your wrist for some firm slapping.

3. AP Sleeping: Expect a sore back after this class, as you lay facing upwards throughout the period. The class meets in the gym used solely for middle school sports games. Prerequisites: Must be female, own yoga pants, and be physically capable to sleep for hours on block days. For males this class may forever remain a wet dream.

4. Honors Coloring and Physiology: Juniors and seniors usually take this class as an accompaniment to AP Biology. Coloring and Physiology has not been given the Advanced Placement distinction because, according to all three teachers, “the kids in this class are clearly remedial”. Endurance is key in a class like this, as the course is composed of coloring entire packets of diagrams. As of 2014, the class will now require extensive doodling knowledge from regular Biology; students who do not make elaborate doodles on the corners of their packet will be bumped down to Regular Coloring.

5. AP Parking Lot: Students spend one hour in the morning maneuvering around angry parents, crazy parents, and foreign parents in the school parking lot. Students spend half of class lining up to enter the parking lot. During this time you will practice not using your turn signals at every opportunity possible. Note: this is only a semester class; students are expected to get in a hit-and-run by the semester final.

As a side note, don’t be afraid if any of these classes seem too difficult. If you’re hit with a seating arrangement that makes it difficult to read off nearby tests, you can always throw together a petition to present to your science teachers. A public Google Doc is your friend; just make sure that anyone can edit to sign it. Anyone.

– Neel Somani