Non-Traditional Dance Canceled Due to Low Ticket Sales

A local school has recently canceled one of its most popular dances, prompting much disappointment and outrage. The dance has been a tradition at the school for years, and this is the first time such a calamity has occurred.

When asked why such an important event was revoked, Principal Yungmuni simply replied, “Who cares? Just two more weeks, and I’m getting promoted to a district job. Two more weeks, and I’m out of this dump. I don’t give a cow’s hoof whether we have a silly dance or not. And in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t even matter. We’re just insignificant specks of dust, floating in an infinite abyss and trying to assign value to our meaningless existence.” Vice Principal Odfücher was more helpful and less nihilistic. “We had to cancel the dance because there simply weren’t enough tickets sold. I’m not sure what happened, but next year we’ll hopefully be back on track.”

For those of you unacquainted with the dance and its customs, it’s not your usual dance. Normally, male students will ask female students, with a mean success rate of 21.4%. But every year, there is one dance where the teachers ask the students, with a successful ask rate of 0.08%. How can a dance even happen if the success rate is so low, one may wonder if one is not very bright. It’s obvious – just ask more people.

Of course, the people most affected by the event are the would-be participants – the teachers. When asked how he felt, 39-year-old physics teacher Mr. Wootang stated, “I’m devastated. I was planning to ask that girl Jennifer in my 1st period class. She’s a real cutie. She’s dated seniors before, so I know she’s into older men. But I got too scared of rejection, and I didn’t ask. Teachers have feelings too, you know. I heard other teachers were also too scared to ask. I guess that’s why ticket sales were so low this year.”

When asked for her opinion, senior Valerie seemed just as despondent. “I really really really wanted my English teacher to ask me. He is soooo hot. My parents say I’m crazy, but I believe age is just a number. Besides, he’s twenty years older than me, and I have twenty fingers and toes. I think we’re meant to be.” Sophomore Jimmy was also disappointed, saying, “I was certain my French teacher was going to ask me. She dropped all the hints and made all the signs, and I was totally ready to say yes. I even showered every day for a week straight, but she never asked.”

Chemistry teacher Ms. Ovo summed up the general sentiment about the event. “Everyone’s heartbroken. I’m hoping the school can get it together next year, because I want my love life back.”

Update: Once Principal Yungmuni moved to the district job, he managed to have the dance canceled indefinitely. Teacher strikes and riots have been reported as a result.

Mr. Wootang quit his job and started working at an elementary school, but was arrested for reasons unknown.

– Skyler Ho, with help from Lettuce staff