Are Students Smarter Towards End of Day?

Teachers at an area high school are stumped as to why their students seem to become increasingly smarter as the day progresses.

“I’ve been working here for over fifteen years and I still don’t understand. No matter what class, whether it is math, science, or history, test scores always rise in later periods,” explained a local P.E. teacher.

This trend has been observed school-wide with no clear explanation.

“If it weren’t for the scores, I wouldn’t normally assume this to be the case,” claimed Mr. Smith, a world history teacher. “During my sixth period class, it sometimes appears as though the entire class is sleeping while I’m lecturing. In fact, now that I think about it, this seems to be the case for my first period class too. And my fourth period class. My voice gets sore from increasing the volume of my monotone.”

Many students, such as Juan Pablo Gutierrez, have come forward with possible reasons behind the better test scores.

“Throughout the day, I take my textbook and I whack myself across the head in order to absorb the information,” described sophomore Juan Pablo. “It’s called osmosis or something. We learned about it in AP Biology. Anyway, I think the people who take the test earlier in the day don’t have enough time to sufficiently whack themselves… in the head.”

Meanwhile, other students have tried to rationalize the score as a matter of diet.

“Every morning, I drink three Red Bulls and eat forty packs of Skittles for breakfast. But my sugar rush doesn’t even kick in until, like, third period. So until then, I’m running off of my reserve energy, like fats and carbohydrates. We learned about it in AP Biology,” explained Chad Dudemeister, a freshman who has never taken AP Biology.

Chad argues that, “If you want to test students when their brains are functioning at 100%, you gotta get them at the peak of their sugar high. I mean, my high usually only lasts about fifteen seconds, but when it hits, it hits hard. One time I think I saw Jesus.”

Finally, some students have proposed some truly implausible theories on the rise in intelligence throughout the day.

“Isn’t it possible that students aren’t getting smarter, but are in fact just getting the test answers from their friends?” asked junior Mary Mulcher. Mary was immediately expelled for questioning the moral integrity of the student body.

With no clear answer, many teachers have suggested shifting the school day between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am in order to capture students when they are at their brightest, claiming that a dumb student who becomes suddenly smart at 2 pm must be like Einstein at 10 pm. Either way, the mystery behind the rise in intelligence still remains unsolved.

– Shaan Somani

Non-Traditional Dance Canceled Due to Low Ticket Sales

A local school has recently canceled one of its most popular dances, prompting much disappointment and outrage. The dance has been a tradition at the school for years, and this is the first time such a calamity has occurred.

When asked why such an important event was revoked, Principal Yungmuni simply replied, “Who cares? Just two more weeks, and I’m getting promoted to a district job. Two more weeks, and I’m out of this dump. I don’t give a cow’s hoof whether we have a silly dance or not. And in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t even matter. We’re just insignificant specks of dust, floating in an infinite abyss and trying to assign value to our meaningless existence.” Vice Principal Odfücher was more helpful and less nihilistic. “We had to cancel the dance because there simply weren’t enough tickets sold. I’m not sure what happened, but next year we’ll hopefully be back on track.”

For those of you unacquainted with the dance and its customs, it’s not your usual dance. Normally, male students will ask female students, with a mean success rate of 21.4%. But every year, there is one dance where the teachers ask the students, with a successful ask rate of 0.08%. How can a dance even happen if the success rate is so low, one may wonder if one is not very bright. It’s obvious – just ask more people.

Of course, the people most affected by the event are the would-be participants – the teachers. When asked how he felt, 39-year-old physics teacher Mr. Wootang stated, “I’m devastated. I was planning to ask that girl Jennifer in my 1st period class. She’s a real cutie. She’s dated seniors before, so I know she’s into older men. But I got too scared of rejection, and I didn’t ask. Teachers have feelings too, you know. I heard other teachers were also too scared to ask. I guess that’s why ticket sales were so low this year.”

When asked for her opinion, senior Valerie seemed just as despondent. “I really really really wanted my English teacher to ask me. He is soooo hot. My parents say I’m crazy, but I believe age is just a number. Besides, he’s twenty years older than me, and I have twenty fingers and toes. I think we’re meant to be.” Sophomore Jimmy was also disappointed, saying, “I was certain my French teacher was going to ask me. She dropped all the hints and made all the signs, and I was totally ready to say yes. I even showered every day for a week straight, but she never asked.”

Chemistry teacher Ms. Ovo summed up the general sentiment about the event. “Everyone’s heartbroken. I’m hoping the school can get it together next year, because I want my love life back.”

Update: Once Principal Yungmuni moved to the district job, he managed to have the dance canceled indefinitely. Teacher strikes and riots have been reported as a result.

Mr. Wootang quit his job and started working at an elementary school, but was arrested for reasons unknown.

– Skyler Ho, with help from Lettuce staff

Top 5 Classes Everyone Will Be Taking Next Year

From work-study to powerwalking, the choices are overwhelming. Students are running frantically about the hallways trying to determine what classes to sign up for next year.

Here at the Lettuce, we want to make sure you’re making the right decisions, whatever that means. So here’s a list of the top GPA boosters to guarantee that Stanford admission.

1. AP ‘Murica: This class, intended for juniors who thoroughly enjoyed their experience taking AP England (also known as AP Plagiarism), covers all things ‘Murica from the 16 century onwards. You will need to know the difference between the American Revolution and World War II, and why we are still better than Britain. While the class is heavily writing based, there will be plenty of room for discussion – during lunch, students can discuss who will provide the notes for the rest of the class. The first student to enroll will receive a free gun license.

2. AP BS (Bright Stars): Intended as an Advanced Placement substitute to English 11, this class is for those students that love storytelling but do not know how to read or write. At some point you will learn the difference between calling your friend DeAndre “black” and “a black”, and why he continues to get offended. You will also get an opportunity to make up themes, characters, and even entire mythical allusions when writing essays for this class. You must have the time to read Sparknotes the night before each test. Just make sure you “integrate” the thesaurus “amply” – otherwise prepare your wrist for some firm slapping.

3. AP Sleeping: Expect a sore back after this class, as you lay facing upwards throughout the period. The class meets in the gym used solely for middle school sports games. Prerequisites: Must be female, own yoga pants, and be physically capable to sleep for hours on block days. For males this class may forever remain a wet dream.

4. Honors Coloring and Physiology: Juniors and seniors usually take this class as an accompaniment to AP Biology. Coloring and Physiology has not been given the Advanced Placement distinction because, according to all three teachers, “the kids in this class are clearly remedial”. Endurance is key in a class like this, as the course is composed of coloring entire packets of diagrams. As of 2014, the class will now require extensive doodling knowledge from regular Biology; students who do not make elaborate doodles on the corners of their packet will be bumped down to Regular Coloring.

5. AP Parking Lot: Students spend one hour in the morning maneuvering around angry parents, crazy parents, and foreign parents in the school parking lot. Students spend half of class lining up to enter the parking lot. During this time you will practice not using your turn signals at every opportunity possible. Note: this is only a semester class; students are expected to get in a hit-and-run by the semester final.

As a side note, don’t be afraid if any of these classes seem too difficult. If you’re hit with a seating arrangement that makes it difficult to read off nearby tests, you can always throw together a petition to present to your science teachers. A public Google Doc is your friend; just make sure that anyone can edit to sign it. Anyone.

– Neel Somani