A student by the name of Eric has been charged for what appears to be a sexual assault, but the facts, as always, are not as straightforward as the court would like. Eric recalls that he had been down in the dumps after being rejected a record 7 times by the same girl in a single half hour marathon last Friday. Eric, however, understood that she really did want to go out with him—he just hadn’t tried hard enough yet. “7 was really just low-balling it, 8th time’s the charm!” said an optimistic Eric in a blog post following the setback. Knowing that her conscious mind was clouding her inner desires, Eric waited outside her home until she fell asleep. Eric then infiltrated the premises and kissed her in her sleep. Talk about bravery! “I don’t know why she slapped me or called the cops—I was just doing what she wanted me to do,” recalls Eric, “I was her Prince Charming, she was my Sleeping Beauty. It was magical, just like Disney told me it would be!” Eric now faces charges of sexual assault but remains confident that his “Disney Defense” will prevail. “They’d be fools not to see that I was just following protocol,” says Eric, brimming with accomplishment. “All my life my mom kept telling me that I would be some lucky girl’s Prince Charming. I don’t understand where I went wrong. I fondled a sleeping woman and later coerced her into marrying me. That’s how the story goes, right?” Right on, Eric, right on.
In a similar story, Kevin, a senior in high school, found himself in a sticky situation when he came across a girl with selective mutism (a condition in which a person is unable to speak in certain social situations). After holding a conversation for an outstanding two and a half minutes, Kevin realized that he really did like quiet girls. So in typical Disney fashion, he went right in and planted one right on her lips. That’s how it’s done! “Quiet girls remind me of The Little Mermaid,” remarked Kevin, “I figured maybe she’d made a deal with a devil to get me to fall in love with her. I could definitely dig it.” Kevin, unlike Eric, got away without being slapped; instead, he was shot point blank with a taser, leaving a slight burn on his chest. “I guess that’s the price of love, a little give and take, though I wish she didn’t have to take my chest hair,” sighed Kevin as he reminisced from his cell.
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, the rest of the single men in America can only be envious of Eric and Kevin, who will never be lonely throughout their next six months at the Pleasant Valley Men’s Correctional Center. Kudos to them, and hopefully the search for love bodes well for the rest of us too. Oh, and ladies, feel free to hit up firstname.lastname@example.org if you want your own Prince Charming this Valentine’s Day.
– The Lettuce’s own “Prince Charming,” Skyler Ho
Edit: Author Skyler Ho has also been sent to join students Eric and Kevin after Mr. Ho was found stalking and rampaging the city searching for someone with a shoe size “3.”