No Name Calling Week is a Huge Success

Schools across the nation participated in a movement last week known as “No Name Calling Week” in an effort to increase awareness that “words matter”. Some area high school students, however, found difficulty in implementing the change.

“I didn’t really understand,” said high school junior Justin. “I mean, I get that bullying is bad and all. But how did we solve anything by not calling people by their names?”

Over 100 teachers and 3000 area high school students signed the pledge to uphold a one-week ban on first names, some going as far as to ban surnames and nicknames too.

“Initially, it made it much more difficult to teach,” explained geometry teacher Ms. Johnson. “Every time a student tried to ask a question, I couldn’t give my typical response of ‘Leave me alone, Ranjit.’ But I eventually managed to find a way around the system.”

“I began characterizing students based on how they looked,” Ms. Johnson described. “For instance, one of my students, Lance, was wearing a yellow shirt. So when he started talking in the middle of class, I told him ‘Shut up, Tour de France.’”

As the week progressed, even the students began to adopt this method. Some have made lasting changes to their vernacular.

Sophomore Ryan claims, “This whole ‘No Name Calling’ thing has been great. Now, whenever I meet a new person, I don’t have to waste my time trying to memorize their name or learn stuff about them. Instead, I just call everyone “Doofus” or “Moron.” It’s made my life so much easier! I’ve even started to forget the names of my closest friends!”

But even the most successful program will have its critics.

“My life last week was terrible,” claimed senior Rajesh. “All week, people kept on calling me ‘Stanford kid’ or ‘2400’. I didn’t even get a 2400! And I got accepted into Early Action Harvard, not Stanford!”

With No Name Calling Week such a hit, there are rumored district-wide talks to implement a permanent No Name Calling Week, to be known as No Name Calling Lifetime. The idea of No Name Calling Lifetime has been met with widespread support from both teachers and students alike. It seems that within the near future, students will no longer have to bother with names at all! Instead, students will be stamped with a number on their forehead for easier retention. But until its implementation, we can only hope for the day in which names are solely remnants of the ancient past.

– “19-8-1-1-14”