School Canceled for the Day; Teachers Too Afraid of the Dark

Monday morning opened at an area high school with cries from students expressing that they “couldn’t believe it was already Monday.” How rare it was to see students so eager to learn. Unfortunately, when students attempted to enter the math building, they were shocked to find that all of the lights had been shut off; even more surprisingly, the students discovered a group of math teachers huddled in a corner, trying to start a fire using two wooden rulers and old geometry homework.

“It was a very traumatic experience,” explained Mrs. Wuddlestein, an Algebra II teacher. “Some of us believed that the school had become haunted overnight. We were too afraid to open the door in case the spirits would be let out into the world. In fact, we were prepared to live the rest of our lives inside of the building. It was quite noble of us, really.”

With only minutes before the school day needed to officially begin, the administration attempted to remediate the situation by contacting the janitors, but they were all attending a National Janitorial Conference in New York City. As confusion escalated, Principal Knotsy decided to take matters into its own hands.

Knotsy, who has established a reputation for his innovation and intellect, decided to enter each classroom individually in order to prove that the building was not haunted. However, he found that while there were no visible ghosts on the school premises, the lights still would not turn on.

“I tried everything I could,” Knotsy claims. “I waved my hand in front of the lights, I started clapping, I unscrewed each light bulb and screwed it back in. I even smashed a couple to try to get a spark. Nothing seemed to be working.”

With hordes of students assuming the fetal position around the campus and three calculus teachers requiring new sets of pants, Knotsy had no choice but to cancel the remainder of the school day.

“It’s really saddening that these kids will have to waste such a beautiful day outside instead of reading from textbooks indoors,” Knotsy discusses disappointedly. “I’m sure that the students are all very upset too. I expect that many of them will spend the next six and a half hours studying, unable to determine what else to do with so many extra hours in their lives.”

It was only five minutes after Knotsy had given the official announcement that he realized he had forgotten to flip the light switches on.

– Shaan Somani

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Valentine’s Day: Prince Charming

A student by the name of Eric has been charged for what appears to be a sexual assault, but the facts, as always, are not as straightforward as the court would like. Eric recalls that he had been down in the dumps after being rejected a record 7 times by the same girl in a single half hour marathon last Friday. Eric, however, understood that she really did want to go out with him—he just hadn’t tried hard enough yet. “7 was really just low-balling it, 8th time’s the charm!” said an optimistic Eric in a blog post following the setback. Knowing that her conscious mind was clouding her inner desires, Eric waited outside her home until she fell asleep. Eric then infiltrated the premises and kissed her in her sleep. Talk about bravery! “I don’t know why she slapped me or called the cops—I was just doing what she wanted me to do,” recalls Eric, “I was her Prince Charming, she was my Sleeping Beauty. It was magical, just like Disney told me it would be!” Eric now faces charges of sexual assault but remains confident that his “Disney Defense” will prevail. “They’d be fools not to see that I was just following protocol,” says Eric, brimming with accomplishment. “All my life my mom kept telling me that I would be some lucky girl’s Prince Charming. I don’t understand where I went wrong. I fondled a sleeping woman and later coerced her into marrying me. That’s how the story goes, right?” Right on, Eric, right on.

In a similar story, Kevin, a senior in high school, found himself in a sticky situation when he came across a girl with selective mutism (a condition in which a person is unable to speak in certain social situations). After holding a conversation for an outstanding two and a half minutes, Kevin realized that he really did like quiet girls. So in typical Disney fashion, he went right in and planted one right on her lips. That’s how it’s done! “Quiet girls remind me of The Little Mermaid,” remarked Kevin, “I figured maybe she’d made a deal with a devil to get me to fall in love with her. I could definitely dig it.” Kevin, unlike Eric, got away without being slapped; instead, he was shot point blank with a taser, leaving a slight burn on his chest. “I guess that’s the price of love, a little give and take, though I wish she didn’t have to take my chest hair,” sighed Kevin as he reminisced from his cell.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, the rest of the single men in America can only be envious of Eric and Kevin, who will never be lonely throughout their next six months at the Pleasant Valley Men’s Correctional Center. Kudos to them, and hopefully the search for love bodes well for the rest of us too. Oh, and ladies, feel free to hit up cto@apptic.me if you want your own Prince Charming this Valentine’s Day.

– The Lettuce’s own “Prince Charming,” Skyler Ho

Edit: Author Skyler Ho has also been sent to join students Eric and Kevin after Mr. Ho was found stalking and rampaging the city searching for someone with a shoe size “3.”

No Name Calling Week is a Huge Success

Schools across the nation participated in a movement last week known as “No Name Calling Week” in an effort to increase awareness that “words matter”. Some area high school students, however, found difficulty in implementing the change.

“I didn’t really understand,” said high school junior Justin. “I mean, I get that bullying is bad and all. But how did we solve anything by not calling people by their names?”

Over 100 teachers and 3000 area high school students signed the pledge to uphold a one-week ban on first names, some going as far as to ban surnames and nicknames too.

“Initially, it made it much more difficult to teach,” explained geometry teacher Ms. Johnson. “Every time a student tried to ask a question, I couldn’t give my typical response of ‘Leave me alone, Ranjit.’ But I eventually managed to find a way around the system.”

“I began characterizing students based on how they looked,” Ms. Johnson described. “For instance, one of my students, Lance, was wearing a yellow shirt. So when he started talking in the middle of class, I told him ‘Shut up, Tour de France.’”

As the week progressed, even the students began to adopt this method. Some have made lasting changes to their vernacular.

Sophomore Ryan claims, “This whole ‘No Name Calling’ thing has been great. Now, whenever I meet a new person, I don’t have to waste my time trying to memorize their name or learn stuff about them. Instead, I just call everyone “Doofus” or “Moron.” It’s made my life so much easier! I’ve even started to forget the names of my closest friends!”

But even the most successful program will have its critics.

“My life last week was terrible,” claimed senior Rajesh. “All week, people kept on calling me ‘Stanford kid’ or ‘2400’. I didn’t even get a 2400! And I got accepted into Early Action Harvard, not Stanford!”

With No Name Calling Week such a hit, there are rumored district-wide talks to implement a permanent No Name Calling Week, to be known as No Name Calling Lifetime. The idea of No Name Calling Lifetime has been met with widespread support from both teachers and students alike. It seems that within the near future, students will no longer have to bother with names at all! Instead, students will be stamped with a number on their forehead for easier retention. But until its implementation, we can only hope for the day in which names are solely remnants of the ancient past.

– “19-8-1-1-14”

Recap of the Big Game

The last seconds of the game. A hushed audience. Suddenly, a roar filled the arena. The team won! This local sports team is moving on to the state level, and everyone could not be less excited. “We really had a good season this year. Good players, good teamwork, but the other team just outplayed us…and I’m not saying I did anything, but I want my money back from the refs,” says the coach of the losing team. As put by the modest star player, “I don’t know how we won. I was just trying to make sure that the cheerleaders could see me flex a little, but I suppose that’s what it takes to play a game like us.” The game was very close, with the team almost unable to score in the first quarter, but later managing to hold possession. “They had trouble getting the ball for a while before I realized that they’d had the ball the entire time—I guess that’s what’s called a sports ‘miracle’,” reveals one shocked spectator. Unfortunately, the crowd erupted into pandemonium during the first five minutes of the game when people realized both teams had the same color scheme. Fans had difficulty differentiating between their players and those from opposite teams, and distinguishing between friendly and opposing audience members. A brawl almost broke out when audience members began arguing about which team had better colors. “I told him, our color is better than yours. He kept repeating, ‘It’s the same color.’ I got really mad, needed my homies to hold me back,” a participant discloses. While this team has managed to clinch a spot in the state championships, it remains to be seen whether or not it can marshal its efforts to advance. Until then, local fans can only pray the color scheme is changed for next year.

– Harsh Wadhwa

Editor’s Note: Our sports crew unintentionally attended the wrong game for the wrong sport. An honest mistake. Regrettably, they are currently being held for questioning in Sochi, Russia on how they entered the country. Go team!