It was a Tuesday afternoon when Shaan Somani, hanging out on his phone in the middle of class, opened his Schoolloop account to see what all Dougherty Valley students dread most: a minus sign beside his beloved A.
“I just don’t understand,” said Shaan, a hardworking, Indian-American student. “This has just never happened to me before.” The grade, which came as a large shock, came from an unnamed teacher in an unnamed class. This reporter, however, is willing to release information given off the record that the teacher’s name means “quickly” in a foreign language that is not Spanish, French, or Swahili.
Though Shaan has theories behind his poor grade, most of them conclude with a negative sentiment about the unnamed teacher. “I mean, I don’t know what else he expects of me. I put in the minimal amount of effort appropriate for a Senior. I show up for class at least half of the time. I even make sure to correct him on his mistakes in front of everybody so that he can learn to become a better teacher. Is he mad because I didn’t buy him a Christmas present? I’ve always assumed he was Jewish.”
When the unnamed teacher was asked to comment on the lawsuit, he claimed he was “too busy to talk at the moment” since he had to “go to the bathroom”. Likely excuse.
Meanwhile, Shaan has decided to file a lawsuit against the teacher for being the sole reason behind why he got rejected from Stanford. “I want him to feel the same type of pain I’ve felt,” Shaan explains. “I spent $65 as an application fee to Stanford. I expect him to pay at least… 3 times that as compensation for my emotional trauma.” When informed that Stanford Early Action did not receive first semester Senior grades, Shaan assured this reporter that he would still pursue a personal vendetta against the teacher.
Some individuals remained skeptical on the veracity behind Shaan’s claims. For instance, though Shaan claims to be Indian-American, he appeared rather confused when asked what tribe he belongs to. Others have questioned the level of objectivism present in an article written by the afflicted party. Those people are idiots and not to be trusted.
In the meantime, Shaan has decided to not just give up on the class, but rather all of high school. “Oh no, I’m not dropping out. Don’t be ridiculous. I’m just going to stop attending school. After all, I’m going to be a second semester Senior! What are they going to do, withhold my diploma?”
Author’s note: Since the time of this interview, Shaan has been held back a year due to persistent truancy. Shaan has opted to retake the class in which he received an A-, deciding that next year he will give the teacher a menorah in order to “start off on the right foot”.
– Shaan Somani