Boy Confesses to Murder; Authorities Don’t Believe Him

A local third grader named Richard Sukher has recently admitted to murdering his younger brother, older sister, two parents, and cat, Snookers.

“That’s right, I did it. Everybody was getting all up in my business during nap time, so I grabbed my pair of safety scissors and…well, you know the rest,” explained Richard as he gestured to the dead bodies strewn across his bedroom floor.

Richard could likely spend the rest of his life in prison if the police choose to press charges. The only problem is, nobody believes Richard’s outlandish claims.

“I mean, what does he expect? I’m not an idiot,” described Richard’s best friend, Alec Greenberg. “Richard comes running into school screaming, ‘I did it! I killed them!’ And I’m just like ‘Please buddy, you’re not fooling anybody. We all know it’s April Fools Day. Nobody’s falling for your tricks.’”

“I couldn’t believe my rotten luck. Of all the days I chose to kill my family, it just had to have been April 1?!?” Richard complained. “I tried everything I could to convince people that I was guilty. I showed them the murder weapon, my bloody clothes, even my father’s left pinky toe. Everyone just kept laughing at me and said, ‘Haha yeah right. We’re not that gullible, Dick.’”

After hours of trying to convince his classmates and teachers, Richard eventually realized that his attempts to go to jail were futile.

“I’m just really bummed. I heard that juvie was pretty awesome,” Richard admitted. “Apparently you get like three meals a day and sometimes they even let you watch TV. In my house, our only form of entertainment was watching Snookers lick himself. God, I hated that cat.”

With no other choice, Richard realized there was only one other way to ensure that he goes to juvie.

“I’m going to have to kill again, this time on a normal day of the year where people’s murderous inclinations are not brushed off as attempts at humor. I think my next victim is gonna be that jerk leprechaun in the cereal commercial. I’m tired of him hoarding all the Lucky Charms for himself.”

Editor’s note: On April 2, Richard was arrested for attempted murder of a ginger midget. Richard was promptly released after the police determined that “the midget had it coming.”

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Are Students Smarter Towards End of Day?

Teachers at an area high school are stumped as to why their students seem to become increasingly smarter as the day progresses.

“I’ve been working here for over fifteen years and I still don’t understand. No matter what class, whether it is math, science, or history, test scores always rise in later periods,” explained a local P.E. teacher.

This trend has been observed school-wide with no clear explanation.

“If it weren’t for the scores, I wouldn’t normally assume this to be the case,” claimed Mr. Smith, a world history teacher. “During my sixth period class, it sometimes appears as though the entire class is sleeping while I’m lecturing. In fact, now that I think about it, this seems to be the case for my first period class too. And my fourth period class. My voice gets sore from increasing the volume of my monotone.”

Many students, such as Juan Pablo Gutierrez, have come forward with possible reasons behind the better test scores.

“Throughout the day, I take my textbook and I whack myself across the head in order to absorb the information,” described sophomore Juan Pablo. “It’s called osmosis or something. We learned about it in AP Biology. Anyway, I think the people who take the test earlier in the day don’t have enough time to sufficiently whack themselves… in the head.”

Meanwhile, other students have tried to rationalize the score as a matter of diet.

“Every morning, I drink three Red Bulls and eat forty packs of Skittles for breakfast. But my sugar rush doesn’t even kick in until, like, third period. So until then, I’m running off of my reserve energy, like fats and carbohydrates. We learned about it in AP Biology,” explained Chad Dudemeister, a freshman who has never taken AP Biology.

Chad argues that, “If you want to test students when their brains are functioning at 100%, you gotta get them at the peak of their sugar high. I mean, my high usually only lasts about fifteen seconds, but when it hits, it hits hard. One time I think I saw Jesus.”

Finally, some students have proposed some truly implausible theories on the rise in intelligence throughout the day.

“Isn’t it possible that students aren’t getting smarter, but are in fact just getting the test answers from their friends?” asked junior Mary Mulcher. Mary was immediately expelled for questioning the moral integrity of the student body.

With no clear answer, many teachers have suggested shifting the school day between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am in order to capture students when they are at their brightest, claiming that a dumb student who becomes suddenly smart at 2 pm must be like Einstein at 10 pm. Either way, the mystery behind the rise in intelligence still remains unsolved.

– Shaan Somani

Non-Traditional Dance Canceled Due to Low Ticket Sales

A local school has recently canceled one of its most popular dances, prompting much disappointment and outrage. The dance has been a tradition at the school for years, and this is the first time such a calamity has occurred.

When asked why such an important event was revoked, Principal Yungmuni simply replied, “Who cares? Just two more weeks, and I’m getting promoted to a district job. Two more weeks, and I’m out of this dump. I don’t give a cow’s hoof whether we have a silly dance or not. And in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t even matter. We’re just insignificant specks of dust, floating in an infinite abyss and trying to assign value to our meaningless existence.” Vice Principal Odfücher was more helpful and less nihilistic. “We had to cancel the dance because there simply weren’t enough tickets sold. I’m not sure what happened, but next year we’ll hopefully be back on track.”

For those of you unacquainted with the dance and its customs, it’s not your usual dance. Normally, male students will ask female students, with a mean success rate of 21.4%. But every year, there is one dance where the teachers ask the students, with a successful ask rate of 0.08%. How can a dance even happen if the success rate is so low, one may wonder if one is not very bright. It’s obvious – just ask more people.

Of course, the people most affected by the event are the would-be participants – the teachers. When asked how he felt, 39-year-old physics teacher Mr. Wootang stated, “I’m devastated. I was planning to ask that girl Jennifer in my 1st period class. She’s a real cutie. She’s dated seniors before, so I know she’s into older men. But I got too scared of rejection, and I didn’t ask. Teachers have feelings too, you know. I heard other teachers were also too scared to ask. I guess that’s why ticket sales were so low this year.”

When asked for her opinion, senior Valerie seemed just as despondent. “I really really really wanted my English teacher to ask me. He is soooo hot. My parents say I’m crazy, but I believe age is just a number. Besides, he’s twenty years older than me, and I have twenty fingers and toes. I think we’re meant to be.” Sophomore Jimmy was also disappointed, saying, “I was certain my French teacher was going to ask me. She dropped all the hints and made all the signs, and I was totally ready to say yes. I even showered every day for a week straight, but she never asked.”

Chemistry teacher Ms. Ovo summed up the general sentiment about the event. “Everyone’s heartbroken. I’m hoping the school can get it together next year, because I want my love life back.”

Update: Once Principal Yungmuni moved to the district job, he managed to have the dance canceled indefinitely. Teacher strikes and riots have been reported as a result.

Mr. Wootang quit his job and started working at an elementary school, but was arrested for reasons unknown.

– Skyler Ho, with help from Lettuce staff

Top 5 Classes Everyone Will Be Taking Next Year

From work-study to powerwalking, the choices are overwhelming. Students are running frantically about the hallways trying to determine what classes to sign up for next year.

Here at the Lettuce, we want to make sure you’re making the right decisions, whatever that means. So here’s a list of the top GPA boosters to guarantee that Stanford admission.

1. AP ‘Murica: This class, intended for juniors who thoroughly enjoyed their experience taking AP England (also known as AP Plagiarism), covers all things ‘Murica from the 16 century onwards. You will need to know the difference between the American Revolution and World War II, and why we are still better than Britain. While the class is heavily writing based, there will be plenty of room for discussion – during lunch, students can discuss who will provide the notes for the rest of the class. The first student to enroll will receive a free gun license.

2. AP BS (Bright Stars): Intended as an Advanced Placement substitute to English 11, this class is for those students that love storytelling but do not know how to read or write. At some point you will learn the difference between calling your friend DeAndre “black” and “a black”, and why he continues to get offended. You will also get an opportunity to make up themes, characters, and even entire mythical allusions when writing essays for this class. You must have the time to read Sparknotes the night before each test. Just make sure you “integrate” the thesaurus “amply” – otherwise prepare your wrist for some firm slapping.

3. AP Sleeping: Expect a sore back after this class, as you lay facing upwards throughout the period. The class meets in the gym used solely for middle school sports games. Prerequisites: Must be female, own yoga pants, and be physically capable to sleep for hours on block days. For males this class may forever remain a wet dream.

4. Honors Coloring and Physiology: Juniors and seniors usually take this class as an accompaniment to AP Biology. Coloring and Physiology has not been given the Advanced Placement distinction because, according to all three teachers, “the kids in this class are clearly remedial”. Endurance is key in a class like this, as the course is composed of coloring entire packets of diagrams. As of 2014, the class will now require extensive doodling knowledge from regular Biology; students who do not make elaborate doodles on the corners of their packet will be bumped down to Regular Coloring.

5. AP Parking Lot: Students spend one hour in the morning maneuvering around angry parents, crazy parents, and foreign parents in the school parking lot. Students spend half of class lining up to enter the parking lot. During this time you will practice not using your turn signals at every opportunity possible. Note: this is only a semester class; students are expected to get in a hit-and-run by the semester final.

As a side note, don’t be afraid if any of these classes seem too difficult. If you’re hit with a seating arrangement that makes it difficult to read off nearby tests, you can always throw together a petition to present to your science teachers. A public Google Doc is your friend; just make sure that anyone can edit to sign it. Anyone.

– Neel Somani

School Canceled for the Day; Teachers Too Afraid of the Dark

Monday morning opened at an area high school with cries from students expressing that they “couldn’t believe it was already Monday.” How rare it was to see students so eager to learn. Unfortunately, when students attempted to enter the math building, they were shocked to find that all of the lights had been shut off; even more surprisingly, the students discovered a group of math teachers huddled in a corner, trying to start a fire using two wooden rulers and old geometry homework.

“It was a very traumatic experience,” explained Mrs. Wuddlestein, an Algebra II teacher. “Some of us believed that the school had become haunted overnight. We were too afraid to open the door in case the spirits would be let out into the world. In fact, we were prepared to live the rest of our lives inside of the building. It was quite noble of us, really.”

With only minutes before the school day needed to officially begin, the administration attempted to remediate the situation by contacting the janitors, but they were all attending a National Janitorial Conference in New York City. As confusion escalated, Principal Knotsy decided to take matters into its own hands.

Knotsy, who has established a reputation for his innovation and intellect, decided to enter each classroom individually in order to prove that the building was not haunted. However, he found that while there were no visible ghosts on the school premises, the lights still would not turn on.

“I tried everything I could,” Knotsy claims. “I waved my hand in front of the lights, I started clapping, I unscrewed each light bulb and screwed it back in. I even smashed a couple to try to get a spark. Nothing seemed to be working.”

With hordes of students assuming the fetal position around the campus and three calculus teachers requiring new sets of pants, Knotsy had no choice but to cancel the remainder of the school day.

“It’s really saddening that these kids will have to waste such a beautiful day outside instead of reading from textbooks indoors,” Knotsy discusses disappointedly. “I’m sure that the students are all very upset too. I expect that many of them will spend the next six and a half hours studying, unable to determine what else to do with so many extra hours in their lives.”

It was only five minutes after Knotsy had given the official announcement that he realized he had forgotten to flip the light switches on.

– Shaan Somani

Valentine’s Day: Prince Charming

A student by the name of Eric has been charged for what appears to be a sexual assault, but the facts, as always, are not as straightforward as the court would like. Eric recalls that he had been down in the dumps after being rejected a record 7 times by the same girl in a single half hour marathon last Friday. Eric, however, understood that she really did want to go out with him—he just hadn’t tried hard enough yet. “7 was really just low-balling it, 8th time’s the charm!” said an optimistic Eric in a blog post following the setback. Knowing that her conscious mind was clouding her inner desires, Eric waited outside her home until she fell asleep. Eric then infiltrated the premises and kissed her in her sleep. Talk about bravery! “I don’t know why she slapped me or called the cops—I was just doing what she wanted me to do,” recalls Eric, “I was her Prince Charming, she was my Sleeping Beauty. It was magical, just like Disney told me it would be!” Eric now faces charges of sexual assault but remains confident that his “Disney Defense” will prevail. “They’d be fools not to see that I was just following protocol,” says Eric, brimming with accomplishment. “All my life my mom kept telling me that I would be some lucky girl’s Prince Charming. I don’t understand where I went wrong. I fondled a sleeping woman and later coerced her into marrying me. That’s how the story goes, right?” Right on, Eric, right on.

In a similar story, Kevin, a senior in high school, found himself in a sticky situation when he came across a girl with selective mutism (a condition in which a person is unable to speak in certain social situations). After holding a conversation for an outstanding two and a half minutes, Kevin realized that he really did like quiet girls. So in typical Disney fashion, he went right in and planted one right on her lips. That’s how it’s done! “Quiet girls remind me of The Little Mermaid,” remarked Kevin, “I figured maybe she’d made a deal with a devil to get me to fall in love with her. I could definitely dig it.” Kevin, unlike Eric, got away without being slapped; instead, he was shot point blank with a taser, leaving a slight burn on his chest. “I guess that’s the price of love, a little give and take, though I wish she didn’t have to take my chest hair,” sighed Kevin as he reminisced from his cell.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, the rest of the single men in America can only be envious of Eric and Kevin, who will never be lonely throughout their next six months at the Pleasant Valley Men’s Correctional Center. Kudos to them, and hopefully the search for love bodes well for the rest of us too. Oh, and ladies, feel free to hit up cto@apptic.me if you want your own Prince Charming this Valentine’s Day.

– The Lettuce’s own “Prince Charming,” Skyler Ho

Edit: Author Skyler Ho has also been sent to join students Eric and Kevin after Mr. Ho was found stalking and rampaging the city searching for someone with a shoe size “3.”

No Name Calling Week is a Huge Success

Schools across the nation participated in a movement last week known as “No Name Calling Week” in an effort to increase awareness that “words matter”. Some area high school students, however, found difficulty in implementing the change.

“I didn’t really understand,” said high school junior Justin. “I mean, I get that bullying is bad and all. But how did we solve anything by not calling people by their names?”

Over 100 teachers and 3000 area high school students signed the pledge to uphold a one-week ban on first names, some going as far as to ban surnames and nicknames too.

“Initially, it made it much more difficult to teach,” explained geometry teacher Ms. Johnson. “Every time a student tried to ask a question, I couldn’t give my typical response of ‘Leave me alone, Ranjit.’ But I eventually managed to find a way around the system.”

“I began characterizing students based on how they looked,” Ms. Johnson described. “For instance, one of my students, Lance, was wearing a yellow shirt. So when he started talking in the middle of class, I told him ‘Shut up, Tour de France.’”

As the week progressed, even the students began to adopt this method. Some have made lasting changes to their vernacular.

Sophomore Ryan claims, “This whole ‘No Name Calling’ thing has been great. Now, whenever I meet a new person, I don’t have to waste my time trying to memorize their name or learn stuff about them. Instead, I just call everyone “Doofus” or “Moron.” It’s made my life so much easier! I’ve even started to forget the names of my closest friends!”

But even the most successful program will have its critics.

“My life last week was terrible,” claimed senior Rajesh. “All week, people kept on calling me ‘Stanford kid’ or ‘2400’. I didn’t even get a 2400! And I got accepted into Early Action Harvard, not Stanford!”

With No Name Calling Week such a hit, there are rumored district-wide talks to implement a permanent No Name Calling Week, to be known as No Name Calling Lifetime. The idea of No Name Calling Lifetime has been met with widespread support from both teachers and students alike. It seems that within the near future, students will no longer have to bother with names at all! Instead, students will be stamped with a number on their forehead for easier retention. But until its implementation, we can only hope for the day in which names are solely remnants of the ancient past.

– “19-8-1-1-14”