A local third grader named Richard Sukher has recently admitted to murdering his younger brother, older sister, two parents, and cat, Snookers.
“That’s right, I did it. Everybody was getting all up in my business during nap time, so I grabbed my pair of safety scissors and…well, you know the rest,” explained Richard as he gestured to the dead bodies strewn across his bedroom floor.
Richard could likely spend the rest of his life in prison if the police choose to press charges. The only problem is, nobody believes Richard’s outlandish claims.
“I mean, what does he expect? I’m not an idiot,” described Richard’s best friend, Alec Greenberg. “Richard comes running into school screaming, ‘I did it! I killed them!’ And I’m just like ‘Please buddy, you’re not fooling anybody. We all know it’s April Fools Day. Nobody’s falling for your tricks.’”
“I couldn’t believe my rotten luck. Of all the days I chose to kill my family, it just had to have been April 1?!?” Richard complained. “I tried everything I could to convince people that I was guilty. I showed them the murder weapon, my bloody clothes, even my father’s left pinky toe. Everyone just kept laughing at me and said, ‘Haha yeah right. We’re not that gullible, Dick.’”
After hours of trying to convince his classmates and teachers, Richard eventually realized that his attempts to go to jail were futile.
“I’m just really bummed. I heard that juvie was pretty awesome,” Richard admitted. “Apparently you get like three meals a day and sometimes they even let you watch TV. In my house, our only form of entertainment was watching Snookers lick himself. God, I hated that cat.”
With no other choice, Richard realized there was only one other way to ensure that he goes to juvie.
“I’m going to have to kill again, this time on a normal day of the year where people’s murderous inclinations are not brushed off as attempts at humor. I think my next victim is gonna be that jerk leprechaun in the cereal commercial. I’m tired of him hoarding all the Lucky Charms for himself.”
Editor’s note: On April 2, Richard was arrested for attempted murder of a ginger midget. Richard was promptly released after the police determined that “the midget had it coming.”